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Movie Review: “Troy” or I can’t believe that Brad Pitt’s pecs were snubbed by the Academy. November 22, 2005, 2:36 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Uncategorized.
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So I finally saw “Troy? the other night….

…and I can say this as starting first baseman of the heterosexual team, but man is Brad Pitt one attractive man. He goes topless for half the movie and I am shocked that they even did that. I mean, seriously, when brad pitt, who is both beefcake and ripped for this movie (picture “Fight Club” and then add 20 pounds of muscle) is your lead role, it should be illegal for him to put a shirt on.

“…But Achilles, won’t wearing a shirt bind you all up and make it harder for you to slay Trojans by the gross?!?”

“Why, by Apollo, you are right, Odysseus!” [Achilles removes shirt and the handmaidens all fawn with lust.] I mean, that scene practically writes itself!

So the movie was okay as an action picture except something kept bothering me the whole time. About half way into the movie I figured it out: the movie has no protagonist. There are no “sides? to identify and no one to get behind. Hell I don’t even know who I should be rooting for. Sure the Greek king is a power hunger marauder, but all the kings were. Achilles seems to be an okay guy and not outwardly evil, but he’s basically a mercenary willing to slaughter a few hundred Trojans just for name recognition, even if it is on the side of the aforementioned power hungry Greek king. Hell, in the midst of wearing the blood of the 24,328 Trojans he skewered in one day, Achilles gets hella pissed when Hector kills his cousin, mistaking him for Achilles. Real sense of proportionality, Achilles. Asshole. Thousands die in a drop of a hat, but time out Green Bay if Achilles’ cousin gets clipped; that’s where you draw the freakin’ line man! Then you’ve got Paris, who we are told is a wicked shot with a bow and arrow. No screaming eagle shit batman, elves from Rivendale do pretty good with a bow, thank you very much. So Paris, knowing that stealing Helen away from the Greek king will start a war, resulting in the deaths of thousands of his fellow countrymen, justifies everything with a “but dude, she’s fucking hot!?. Okay, okay, I’m paraphrasing, but really, what a dick. Seriously, tell that to xerxes the janitor who was just conscripted to fight off the Greeks and will probably never live to see his kid grow up that he is there to give his life if necessary because some prince wants to bone some king’s incredibly hot wife. Man, where do I sign up for that shit.

So everything is messed up. In one scene I am like “Go shirtless brad pitt!! Kill them Trojans!!? and then the next minute I am rooting for Hector to slay those Greek bastards by the hundreds. Sure it makes sense, except that they aren’t on the same side. By the time the “Trojan Horse? shows up and all the Greeks pour out of it in the middle of the night and proceed to sack the city, I have no idea if this is a bad thing or a good thing. I mean, sure there is a city on fire and women are screaming and people are dying, but Brad Pitt is leading them, and OH MY GOD he just took off his shirt!!!!!! When it was all over and done, I felt like I just got into an argument with a soccer hooligan over who has better midfielders in the English Premier League between Manchester United and Chelsea: Exactly. I don’t have a clue, much less do I care. (No offense intended to all those hard core Manchester United fans out there in the blogosphere.)
Now I know this is movie is based on Homer’s The Iliad, but since I haven’t read it since middle school and knowing that since Hollywood wouldn’t actually do more than the cliff notes meets screenwriting hack on acid version anyway, I have no qualms about judging this movie outside of the literary work with my comments. Have fun with this one kids!

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