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Jihadi Hijinks (or How I learned Everything There is to Know About Arrested Suspected Terrorists from Watching “Die Hard” the Movie) June 12, 2006, 9:45 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Islam, Terrorism.

As much as the world needs Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer, it also needs a cold dose of John McClane. There's a scene in Die Hard where Hans and his buddies in Nakatomi Plaza need the power cut in order to break through the last lock on the safe that contains upwards of $600 Million in loot. One of the reasons that they posed as terrorists instead of high profile robbers was to ensure FBI involvement. The following takes place as Theo is working on drilling the physical locks and warns Hans about the impossibility of the last lock:

Theo: And you better be right because this one's going to take a miracle.

Hans: It's Christmas, Theo, it's the time of miracles. So be a good cheer and call me when you hit the last lock.

Theo: You better heat up that miracle you were talking about. We broke through on Number Six, and the Electromagentic came down like a sledgehammer…

Hans: Well have a look at what our friends outside are doing and I'll be right up.

Theo: There's the city engineers…they're going into the street circuits. But who are those other guys?

Hans: That's the FBI…ordering them to cut the building's power. They're as regular as clockwork…

Theo: or a time lock!

Hans: The circuits that cannot be cut locally are cut automatically in response to a terrorist incident. You ask for miracles Theo, I give you the FBI

McClane: Powell, What's going on?

Powell: Ask the FBI. They've got the terrorist playbook and they're running it step by step.

Well, the real terrorists also have a playbook for when they get caught and they are also running it step by step. Remember those guys that were picked up in Canada last week for wanting to express their dismay with the current administration planning to blow up several federal buildings and behead the God damn prime minister? Well, let's consult the playbook:

Step 1) Instead of worrying about what people are doing in your name and religion, immediately downplay everything and actually complain about a backlash that isn't actually happening against innocent Muslims, making Muslims the "true" victims here.

Ummm, check.

Step 2) Immediately make accusations of torture while being detained, so we know that the innocent Muslims accidently caught up in the government's implicitly rascist manhunt for an artificial boogeyman are the victims and the government is the evil, preening threat to humanity. From today's Toronto Star…Check!!!!

"Tiny solitary cells under constant illumination, a mere 20 minutes of fresh air daily, and beatings at the hands of guards are indicative of the "torture" endured by some of the 17 people accused of plotting terrorist attacks in Canada, lawyers for the group said Monday.

The allegations of "cruel and unusual punishment" came as the court imposed a blanket publication ban on the legal proceedings, preventing the public from learning of any further evidence in a case of stunning allegations that has captured headlines around the world. The treatment of the suspects, accused of plotting a number of terrorist strikes in Ontario that allegedly included bombings and taking senior politicians hostage, "constitutes torture," lawyer Rocco Galati said outside the court."

There are a few more steps I won't bother with now for brevity's sake, and this would be funny if it weren't so damn sad and predictable. Of course, none of this crap would work if the world weren't filled with people who lap this shit up.



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