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Understatement of the Year January 27, 2006, 8:48 am

Posted by quintapalus in Humor, Supreme Court.
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From John Kerry’s email yesterday, written from the economic conference at Davos, encouraging and supporting the filibuster of Judge Alito:

People can say all they want that “elections have consequences.” Trust me, I understand. 

Heh.

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“Cool” Facts About Jack Bauer… January 24, 2006, 3:31 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Humor, Television.
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(compiled from various lists floating around the internet)

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1) If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2) If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
3) Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
4) Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
5) Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
6) Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
7) Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
8) Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
9) 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
10) Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
11) Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
12) Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
13) When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
14) If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her? and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re fucked.
15) Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
16) When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
17) In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy’s name? Stephen Hawking.
18) Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
19) No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy? in a sentence and lived to tel-
20) In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
21) Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
22) As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!?
23) Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
24) If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.
25) If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
26) Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
27) Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!? at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
28) Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
29) If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.
30) Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
31) If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
32) After arguing over what was the better show, 24 or Walker Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris went to attack Jack Bauer with his trademark roundhouse kick. Jack Bauer caught it.
33) There is no such thing as the theory of evolution, but only a list of animals Jack Bauer has allowed to live.
34) Jack Bauer is so awesome he can watch 60 minutes in 20 minutes.

Line of the Day… January 22, 2006, 4:41 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Humor, Uncategorized.
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…from Jeff Goldstein over at Protein Wisdom discussing the latest happenings with Iran:

Let me put this as delicately as I can: when the EU is being rebuked as the hardliners in their attempts to prevent Iran from becoming nuclear armed, the world is about to be royally ass fucked by a big, cold, radioactive warhead. So long, and thanks for all the (gefilte) fish!

Granted, we are talking about nuclear annihilation so I should be sobbing after I finish chuckling, but still. Damn funny stuff. Oh and props on the allusion to Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Juden style.

One of My New Favorite Sites…That Should Be One of Your’s as Well January 19, 2006, 7:48 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Humor, Movie Reviews.
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I’m a big movie guy (or if I am feeling extra pretentious on a given day, I’m a big cinema and film fan), and this site not only keeps me up to date with the latest news about upcoming films but it does so with fantastic humor and snark.

Here’s a perfect example of just what I am talking about:

Damon, Affleck To Wear Chaps

affleckdamon.jpgHoping to ruin another American classic, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have announced to OK! magazine that they will be teaming up to remake Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, with Damon playing the Sundance Kid and Affleck playing Butch Cassidy. Though no reason is mentioned for why they would attempt to recreate the famous picture, nominated for 7 Oscars in 1970, I offer up this possibility: Brokeback Mountain wasn’t gay enough.

Bolding mine.

See what I mean? So do yourself a favor and make I Watch Stuff one of your daily visits.

This is Funny as Hell… January 13, 2006, 6:33 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Humor.
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Taken from a post over at Ace of Spades, which was commenting on news of Iraqi insurgent versus foreign jihadist violence:

“The coalition between Maniacs and Lunatics just isn’t holding up the way we all hoped it would.”

As Glenn Reynolds would say: heh.

Oldie but Goldie Flash Cartoon… January 2, 2006, 10:54 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Humor.
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Originally appeared shortly after 9/11. Conclusion: still funny.

Some Funny Stuff… December 22, 2005, 10:33 am

Posted by quintapalus in Humor.
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I’ve linked to this blog before with what to get your liberal friends for Christmas. It’s all a part of his 12 days of Christmas celebration. Here is the latest iteration:

Monopoly: The Eminent Domain Edition!

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Check out the rest while you’re there.

Where Have All the Peaceful Rappers Gone… December 21, 2005, 9:13 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Humor.
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…long time passing. Oh wait, those are flowers that are referenced in that sweet hippie song, not rappers. Well, you’ll be as shocked and confused as I was when I tell you that violence *gasp* actually broke out at a new release party of a murdered rap star. It seems that violence is able to follow these fine men way into the afterlife. It’s almost like a bad horror movie.

Three people were stabbed early Wednesday at a Manhattan club that was hosting a record-release party for a new collection of duets featuring slain rapper Notorious B.I.G.

Forgive me if I pass on the next Tupac related event.  Much as I love Tupac, I sure would like to see age 29. Anyone know what PM Dawn is up to lately? They seemed pretty harmless.

New Jib Jab Cartoon Released December 17, 2005, 10:21 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Humor.
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Click here to play.

I still like “This Land” the best.  Anyone know what happened with the lawsuit on that song since it really wasn’t covered under parody rights?

Out of Gift Ideas for that Liberal Friend this Chistmas? December 14, 2005, 11:52 am

Posted by quintapalus in Humor.
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Well, just in time for the holidays, Stratego for Democrats has been released!

Stratego for Democrats!

It’s just priceless! Check out the link for more graphics and descriptions.