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Stop Global Warming Now, Before It’s Too Late! January 14, 2006, 1:42 am

Posted by quintapalus in Environment, Satire.
5 comments

Step 1: Eliminate the internal combustion engine!!!

Step 2: Kill all plant life!!!!

Whoa, time out Green Bay; do what again?!?!

Oh, you didn’t hear? Now it’s those living, breathing bastard plants that are causing the coming apocalypse:

LONDON (Reuters) – German scientists have discovered a new source of methane, a greenhouse gas that is second only to carbon dioxide in its impact on climate change. The culprits are plants. They produce about 10 to 30 percent of the annual methane found in the atmosphere, according to researchers at the Max-Planck Institute for Nuclear Physics in Heidelberg, Germany. The scientists measured the amount of methane released by plants in controlled experiments. They found it increases with rising temperatures and exposure to sunlight. “Significant methane emissions from both intact plants and detached leaves were observed … in the laboratory and in the field,” Dr Frank Keppler and his team said in a report in the journal Nature. Methane, which is produced by city rubbish dumps, coal mining, flatulent animals, rice cultivation and peat bogs, is one of the most potent greenhouse gases in terms of its ability to trap heat. Concentrations of the gas in the atmosphere have almost tripled in the last 150 years. About 600 million tonnes worldwide are produced annually. The scientists said their finding is important for understanding the link between global warming and a rise in greenhouse gases.

Understand indeed. Before we start doing radical things that could drastically screw up our economy, can we at least have some idea of what we are grappling with? Cause right now, it seems like we don’t have a freakin’ clue.

My favorite part:

But the study also poses questions, such as how such a potentially large source of methane could have been overlooked and how plants produced it.

Translation: umm…well…you see…”Let me explain to you how this works. See, the corporations finance Team America. And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their…in their corporation buildings, and, see, they’re all corporation-y, and they make money.”

What can I say but “WE DIDN’T LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

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Funny…I Didn’t Know Chimpy McHaliburtonBush was President 55,000,000 Years Ago January 4, 2006, 10:54 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Environment, Satire.
7 comments

The funny thing about this story is that while it contains info meant to be shocking and frightening about the possible effects of global warming, its use of a natural occurrence of global warming 55,000,000 years ago will make it very difficult (for all but the most dedicated of moonbats at least) to place the blame for this squarely at Bush’s feet.

I mean, since we all “just know” that global warming is caused by evil Republikkkans who fight wars for oil, this story practically begs the question: did Bush and his NeoCon cronies finally discover the legendary “Flux Capacitor?”

The operation to recover the Lost Ark of the Covenant in Iraq (you know, it’s necessary to establish the Bush theocracy) is really starting to bear fruit. Thank God that Bush didn’t know “to take back one kadam to honor the Hebrew God” until he finally spoke to Wolfowitz last week because we would’ve never found this sucker at “Site A” otherwise.

Digging in the wrong place indeed!

Oh, and “Jewish controlled media empire”…nice try with that smokescreen story of “Bush hits head on sink while trying to hang clock in Oval Office bathroom, has vision.” I knew that story was a little off, but if 9/11 has taught us anything, it is that you have to connect the dots.

Extra! Extra! Iranian President Moderates Position on Israel December 8, 2005, 9:16 pm

Posted by quintapalus in Foreign Affairs, Iran, Satire.
1 comment so far

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has shown his country and yes, indeed, the world itself that he has a special place in his heart for Israel after all. In his Excellency’s benevolent magnanimity, President Ahmadinejad has backed off his earlier comments that Israel should be wiped off the map and is now backing a gentler, kinder stance of simply moving Israel to Europe. Hardliners needn’t worry much though, as His Most Gracious Ruler is still an outright Holocaust denier.